Just Speaking My Mind

What Life is Really About

Over the past several months, I have been so focused on earning money to give my children a better life, I lost perspective of what life was really about.

My youngest son has asthma and has been hospitalized now for the past 5 days. As I sat with him in the hospital next to his bed watching his little body gasp for every breath, I came to realize the one thing I lost perspective of in my determination to make extra money. Although my goals to accopmplish extra wealth was for my children I can only wonder if it would make any difference. Would his breathing be any better? I sat with him every day trying to be brave as he continued to not do well, trying to hide my tears from not only him but his brother as well, praying to god that my son will be alright.

I sat there each day afraid to leave his side as this my be the last time I may see him. For some people it may be hard to understanding living with that fear each day but I remeber my older brother dying from his asthma when I was 10. Like any parent I began to bargin with god, then moved up to the realization of fact as his condition started to improve. I have already missed 3 days of work, That I really could not afford to go without my paycheck, even though I had started to make some money online I knew it was not enough to cover my regular bills let alone the now overwhelming expenses from this hospital stay. Intensive care ranges from $12 thousand to $15 thousand dollars a day. I am sure we are very close to that. Of curse those expenses do not include the doctors, the xrays and the emergency room cost. You see we have no insurance.

Last night my son finally came home from the hospital, and as my children were in the back seat asking each other what they wanted to do when that got home, and what they could not wait to do (kinda like Christhmas Morning) they asked me if I was going to work online to get some more money? Surprising to me that my children most have sensed my fears about the bills the whole time. I started to think about what I could do when I got home. Only to pull in my drive to find that my ex had finally decided to show up.

I was so tired not only emotionally but physically from our week in the hospital, I knew I did not want to deal with him. I had no energy left to think straight let alone fight with him. When we got out of the car my children were so excited to see their dad, I almost felt better about the situation. Of course that only last a brief second---Instead of him saying hello he could only blame me for my son being sick!!!! I was to tired to care but I wanted to say to him--who was he to blame and judge me as he did not even come to see our son in the hospital?

At that very moment I realized my whole life had come to a halt---I finally realized what life was really about. It was not the ability to pay our bills or care what other do or not do but to be there for those we love----

I found myself for the first time in a long time Thanking god for what we had--each other. My children are both alive. The greatest gift I could give them and it is free---I love them.

posted by Gretchen @ 4:26 AM